the tag on this one read: big gap, which i thought said, big crap.

gap, crap, it had our names all over it.
joren, coco and big crap, all dressed up.

and we all thought i had a big pie hole

portland got some of the white stuff

and it shut this town down for about, i don't know, ten days. i think there's a total of 3.7 snow plows in the greater metro area.

the upside, cross country skiing out your front door. and i'm not even going to mention the fun to be had regarding the back door.

baby jesus would want us to skip church on christmas...

to do a little snowshoeing. of course he would.

reconnoitering in the snow. always reconnoitering.

lava tubes, aka 'the ape caves'

no apes. just drippy and dark and a rogue poo on the side of the trail. true. also, not mine. the lava tubes were as craggly and inhospitable as i imagine my fallopians to be.

Nov. 5th: Things John McCain might have done today

1. checked his Netflix queue

2. caught up on his "Family Circus a day" cartoons

3. put on  pair of comfy pants and consumed an entire bottle of gin and like a thousand little smokies

I bought some gas today for $2.29 and sold my soul for a pulled pork sandwich. What did you do? Go.

Today's top 5 coffee flavors

1. vanilla

2. bologna

3. philbin

4. fromunda whip

5. self-loathing

runner up: breast milk

things you can't do if you don't believe in God, part one

1. go to heaven

2. go to hell (nice)

3. make a truly heavenly dream whip pie

gum wall in seattle

the texture was incredible... only truly appreciated by licking it.

other wall ideas: corndog wall. cabbage wall. hummus wall. romanian baby wall.

run, bethers! run!

i finally got my new legs which i think make me faster, stronger and possibly a wee bit smarter.

august

last night i smelled the first fireplace fire of the year. yes, in august.

helluva halifax

first things first. nova scotia biscuits! they tasted like shit.

joren was hoping to find some native lobster claw shoes.

this is our pal jane. she's a real peach and her boy ben is, how you say, ooshie, but we adore him anyhow.

can you believe how big he is? we're so proud of our sack of carrots!

don: "something, minimalism, something, architecture, blah, blah, planar design." joren: "oh yeah? organic material, rem koolhaas, other stuff, paradigm." jane and beth: "these nachos are awesome."

i'm a giver, that's all

if you can't share your wine with a baby goat, well, then you're not much of a giver. like me. 

i also shared my wine with joren and now we have a new baby goat. we like to call him gary, but nothing's official.

getting to know me

some adjectives people used in reference to me today at my super blast part time job at the bakery:

• fresh-faced (from an old wrinkly lady)
  
• gracious (other old lady who had kind of a fuzzy face so i was trying to be really nice)
  
• delightful (it's all smoke and mirrors)
  
• plate breaker (just one)
  
• late (i had to drive back home for my falsies. teeth, not boobs.)

remember that one time?

it was awesome. i ate a delicious salt water taffy and my false teeth fell out. this man is making the aforementioned taffy and i'm in the process of suing his taffy ass. that's right, taffy man, wipe that stupid smile off your face.

oregon's got it all, people

and by "all", I mean...

1. sea grass. not to be confused with oat grass, which mark oatman has been known to weave into some delightful baskets, hats and vests.

2. cheese factories! do you see the cheese fairies? they wear hair nets. 

official bill gray wednesday shout out

hat enough for ya?

those g.d. bees

there's some wacky cross-pollination happening here. i've got white pumpkins from our wedding and a zephyr squash that have joined forces, i'm quite sure for evil, seeing as how i have neither white pumpkins nor zephyr squash. just freakish, squashy mutants.

the way we americans like to celebrate independence...

is by blowing shit up and lighting things on fire. all i know is two champagne glasses got broken which definitely equals big, patriotic fun.

nothin but a chicken poker

this is my pal julie. she's got a big heart and an even bigger stick. a chicken stick in which to prop up the chiklings and swipe their precious cargo.

eggs. fresh from the chicken's bottom.

Roweiner

sometimes we go to a magical place called Rowena in the columbia gorge. there's a river, some frosty beer beverages and also a lot of love. pictured here are a couple of jackasses i like to call my friends (pat and mo) and also another jackass i like to call my husband (jackass husband).

LOST

i can't quite figure out if you're supposed to take this bus if you ARE lost, or want to GET lost. or maybe it will take you to a theater to see the last season of LOST, which i am NOT watching because i have WAY too many other rerun obligations this summer.

fruit loop 2008

raspberries are god's way of saying, "enjoy some delicious nature, but not too much because i will stick you with a thousand stickery thorns if you get greedy." and it's all because he loves us.

francie, the romanian baby

one of my cutest visitors to portland yet. and, apparently, her new godmother. so, in your FACE, jesus, who never thought i'd trick anyone into letting me be a godmother.

cinco de somethin

cinco de mayo marked our one year anniversary in portland. it's also been a year since i've been stung by a bee. also on cinco de mayo. i think in it's own way, that bee was saying "welcome to portland". or maybe "fuck you".

we're building a fortress to keep out the republicans

but so far we've just done some terracing for rhubarb and organic vegetables, also republican deterrents.

12 tons moved by joren's beefy man hands.

cornus kousa, seen below, invariably makes me hum "barracuda" which i hardly mind at all.

time to trim the unruly thatch...

from in front of our house. and you know what they say. out with the shrubs and in with the rock. and it's true.

happy salty nut friday

ski/surf contest that i WON

in my head, as i didn't participate and drank a beer on the sidelines instead.

this could have been me, if i had dressed up like mr. koolaide guy.

what's more delicious than an ikea breakfast?

the fact that it's 99 cents and no tax. and delicious.

something someone told me once, and that's the ONLY reason i know this

if part of your dental bridge breaks off DO NOT try to super-glue it back on. even if you don't have dental insurance. it does NOT work.

Raiders of the Spider Monkey

last weekend we went to see an adaptation of Raiders of the Lost Ark made by three 12 year olds over the course of seven years back in the 80's. it was shockingly accurate and chock full of too-short suit pants, squeaky pre-pubescent voices and a dog named Snickers in lieu of a sidekick spider monkey. in other words, awesome.

http://www.theraider.net/films/raiders_adaptation/index.php

who doesn't love duck?

nature has done it again. way to go nature. baby ducks are swimming happily in the pond out back. there seems to be 10 or 11 or 12 and i've decided to name them. if you'd like to name one, it only costs a dollar or 3 for five dollars.

some names i'm tossing around:
herbaceous
peking

my lettuce is coming up

so you better get this party started. that's correct. a lettuce party! so get your ass out here if you'd like some fresh lettuce. it will either be free or cheap depending how much i like you. also, b.y.o.croutons.

if you don't hear a toot in the woods does it still smell?

i wish.

ass face blogger account

the stupid blogger sign-in page hates me and i hate it right back. maybe it knows i'll post things it doesn't like because it hasn't let me sign in lately.

since i haven't been blogging, i've had plenty of time to come up with some theories that might be behind it:
a. joren put some sort of a block on it just like he did with the soft porn at home.
2. blogs are dumb and the universe knows it and is all up in blogger's grill.
#. i can't remember my password. "monkey"? i tried it already.
6. blogger has a severe case of diarrhea and so do i.

it's time for the annual bathtub races!

and i've got a honey of an entry. i was going to go for the one with the brown stain in front of mine, but it reminded me too much of last year's, which i think is bad luck. it's also bad luck if someone drowned squirrels in your bathtub, like joren's grandma used to do. true.

where's pedro?

if you looks closely, you can see the immigrant pickers. they're camouflaged, since it's immigrant season here.

fish egg and corn delight

whatever it was, it was delish. sometimes i miss the unidentifiable foods from across the sea. and then sometimes i'm glad i don't have explosive diarrhea.

open your g.d. eyes

because it's snowing at 50 feet.
this is a sideways picture of snow on my garlic. turn your robot head to the side. go on.

things i scored at the old folks' home rummage sale this morning

scrabble. 50 cents

2 metal school lunch trays. free (not stolen, just free)

fire king bowl. 10 cents (old people have no idea how much their stuff is worth)

splurge of the day: giant old atlas. one dollar

the helpers at this sale were mostly between the ages of 80-92, which made for slow, but adorable, accounting, change making and stapling shut of bags. i think i have to volunteer next year.

names i don't really like

1. Stacy

(and, if your name happens to be Stacy, I'd be interested to know what names YOU don't like.)

i never thought my baby would have so much hair...

or such sharp claws. you cannot imagine my stretch marks, but it was all worth it. my friend lora somehow managed to wrangle a one-sie on the wildest kitten ever.

my car is a bigger piece of shit than yours

one of my hoses (no, not my fallopian hose) sprang a leak this weekend as i was entertaining my in-town guest lora. she was a good sport and opened the magical bin where the coolant resides with a spare diaper she had in her bag. i'm convinced that midwestern stay at home moms are WAY more prepared than boy scouts. joren almost never has a spare diaper in his bag.

tuesday night

last night i was wandering around with a flashlight looking for a friend's missing dog. whistling, walking, making figure 8s with my flashlight... i walked into a chicken coop and a chicken flew right at my head. luckily i had my heavy duty flashlight and beat it senseless.

the end

p.s. the dog came back. 

p.s.s. the chicken did not.

i found a dead robin today

i buried it in the backyard so someday soon i will have a tiny bird skull. also so he could rest in peace. until i dig him up, i mean.

yes, i do.

apparently i DO have some use for jesus in my life. ps. mole eyes are no laughing matter.

some old fashioned puppy swiping

i know it doesn't seem right to condone this sort of thing, but this is the puppy my nieces captured recently. her name's daisy.

some things we did this weekend, or maybe last weekend

there's a cool shadow on my face that highlights my parisian moustache which is coming in just in time for easter!
on top of the world, looking down on some clouds/creation/a really tiny ihop at the base of the mountain

my spring duck fuzz is coming in! see? on the side of my head.